Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
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How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it
God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
Make your daily standup meeting shorter
“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.
RT if you know someone like this!!!
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-
Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why
Juliet: Well-
Romeo: So you’re asking why I am
Juliet:
Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning
I always thought by this stage of adulthood I’d have my shit together but I just asked google how long you can survive without vegetables so apparently not