No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.
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Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
this is 10/10 content no notes
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
Poor character written by an author who has experienced poverty: My problem is that I’m $300 short on the rent and now my car is making a noise
Poor character written by a rich author: My problem is that I feel so inferior beside these beautiful, sophisticated rich people
Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.
Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*
Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.
Depth Metal
Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously
Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.
David Attenborough: The faster antelope species always keep their slower cousins, the cantaloupe, nearby to throw under the feet of predators to trip them thus creating a hilarious pile up on the savannah.