scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”
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Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now
anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon
Waiter:
H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.
[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
Me: where do you want to eat?
My gf, a moth: idc you decide
[arranges a candlelit dinner]
Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic