This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
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I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it
Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”
Professor X: So what’s your power?
Me: I can heal immediately-
X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.
Me: -from any emotional wounds.
X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.
Me: I’m completely ok with that.
TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
Hub: Let’s go see a movie
Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*
H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.
Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
Me :
All Day At Night
Our lord and savoury.
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star
Me: wanna play would you rather?
Her: sure
Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house
[gutter rattles in the backyard]
Her: *narrows eyes*
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.
Jail
[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?
I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath