Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.
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Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…
ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients.
RECIPE SITE: Sure!
ME: Thank you.
RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients—
ME: *Whispers* No.
RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
– First day of College
– Dorm meetingDorm monitor: Any questions guys?
Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
1st Born: If you hold him support his head.
2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.
3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.
*crashes vehicle*
“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”
*dies smiling*
My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.
Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.
“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.
How dude HOW?!