If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
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Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours
*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
“cinnamon toast shrimp guy turned out to be a milkshake duck just like bean dad” is a sentence I desperately wish I did not understand
Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.
*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday