Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
You Might Also Like
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
Best spot.. 😅
I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.
[new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
Me to my boss: Hey I have to wfh today, I couldn’t answer the riddles three. Yep, they didn’t let me across the bridge. I’ll see you on Teams though.
Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” People always clap when she wakes up.
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits
Relationship status:
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
Update:
I am now running out of paper towels.
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
Mother: What’s-
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said
I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.
WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know
genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*
*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!
However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.