no one ever comes back
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I hate when people say, “Don’t worry about the things you can’t control.”
UMMMMM……HELLO!!
That’s exactly what I’m worried about!!
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.
Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.
Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”
[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”
Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.