Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
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Her: “chicks dig scars”
Wolverine: “damn it”
Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
This is my pinned tweet
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.
First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.
There should be a safe word for small talk:
“So how about this weather we’re hav -”
“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”
My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.
ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’
HER: I need to see other people.
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!