me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first
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A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans
“Deal.” — Mother Nature
I hope Alan is OK
Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”
Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?
Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.
Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.
Me: Exactly.
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”