Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
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Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
[being chased round my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”
No, YOU’RE the one who had an itch on your chest, reached in your shirt to scratch it and pulled out a limp dryer sheet.
Certainly wasn’t me.
One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…
Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
I created you as mosquito food.
Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games
Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”
WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
hear me out : pockets for your socks
GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.
“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later:
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
Um … Hot Wings please