*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
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My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.
Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.
Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
Me: (Sneezes)
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.
girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!