You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
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Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.
If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??
ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.
SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
buying dead houseplants to save time
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
Diet, Day 14:
I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.
But I’m starting to really like pears.
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.
“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
Operator: what’s your emergency
Me: my fridge fell on me
Operator: is anything broken
Me: some eggs maybe
It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.
Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.