No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
You Might Also Like
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
How my 7 year old plays board games:
Rolls a 6.
Counts to 6.
Moves his piece wherever he wants.
Whatd I do for Halloween, I hear you ask?
Cleaned off the porch & fed the birds.But like, scarily. Or whatever.
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like
If Romeo & Juliet didn’t die and were allowed to marry, they’d have kids, get fat, and eventually hate each other.
So it was a happy ending
[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”
You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]
Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.
Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?
Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.
I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
Basically.
Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.
Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]
COP 1: give us a name
ME: big bird
COP 2: a real name
ME: millard fillmore
COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know
ME: nana
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off