*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*
ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.
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I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
Let’s name him something that will make children smile
“How about Santa?”
Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him
the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣
Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*
her: well don’t just stand there, say something
me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross
her: i said i’m pregnant matt
me: his hair could be the brush part
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.