Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
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My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.
Ha ha I’m so lonely
People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.
Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.He cooked 2 sausages.
Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere
Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes
I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU
ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here
ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.
Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.
Get it together, toddlers.
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.