Why do customers threaten you with “I’m not coming back here” alright Gertrude see if I care? If anything ur doing me a favour luv x
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Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
…żyje?
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.
He said “so what would be the difference?”
If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol
HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!
*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW
Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.
Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
With children it’s important to be specific. For example, I told my 5-year-old to sneeze into an elbow. He sneezed into an elbow. My elbow.
Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.