Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
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Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!
Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.
Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
Frankenstein’s monster is on a date.
Her: “So, are you religious?”
Him: “I’m part Catholic.”
Her: “On your father’s or mother’s side?”
Him: “Neither, it’s my left foot.”
#FrankensteinFriday #RubbishJokes
Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen
The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done
I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust
Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon
Me redecorating every room in my mind
Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus
Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude
[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free