If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
You Might Also Like
All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?
You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.
Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.
everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
Saw online –
[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children
My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat
prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
Torturer: you shock him this time
Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle
Torturer: no not— wait really
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch