if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
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I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell
Me: so I get to be the devil
Therapist: no absolutely no-
Me: Very cool
Therapist: wait but
Me: incredibly cool
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
Me: Why won’t my friends talk to me anymore
Also me: I’m hummuspilled. I’m going chickpea mode. I’m in my garbanzo era.
[pet store]
Me: your parrot called me a cracker.
Manager: maybe he was asking..
[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*
Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.
Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?
Bill collector: Um.
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)