I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
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Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
You learn something every day
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.
Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?
Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced
Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.
Assistant: Algorithm.
R: No you stay here and help me.
Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]
Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.
Girl- You mean a condom?
Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
Sleeping In A Car By Age:
12 And Under: Very cool
13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal
18+: Uh-Oh