Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
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[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)
Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?
Me: Of course. One sec
(Resets phone to factory settings)
Me: Here you go
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]
[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?
The vaccine is amazing, but it will not make you magnetic. The only way to get magnetized is to stand at the top of a lighthouse wearing a mysterious amulet during an eclipse
If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug
inmate: hey man why so sad
me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone
inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?
me: not the one with the file in it
Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot
[at sperm bank]
“Do you have anything on clearance?”
[cavemen, having discovered fire, tentatively placing part of an animal carcass above the flames]
[my mother, suddenly appearing out of a time machine] You know you can do that just as easily in the air fryer.
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…