[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
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ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING
IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
3 y/o, sobbing : I’VE JUST SWALLOWED MY SUPERMAN TOY!
Me: Ok calm down. I know exactly what you’ve got to do.
3 y/o: what?
Me: You’ve got to search for the hero inside yourself.
Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
Whoa 😂
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.
[Deathbed]
Me: Don’t put me in the wrong burial plotSon: Dad stop it, I’m never turning this life support off!
Me: because that would be…a grave mistake lol
Son: So is it this switch here or
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”
had to share :’)
[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
If by swimmer’s body you mean one who swims mouth agape through infinite oceans of butterscotch pudding then yes, I have a swimmer’s body.