Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.
I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.
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I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.
I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.
Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?
Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.
Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
I get it fireworks, people set me off too.
Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.
i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”
how was your vacation
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
[At microphone]
*clears throat*
“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”
*crowd cheers*
“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.
Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
[3am]
WIFE: *nudging my shoulder* I can’t sleep, do you wanna…
ME: *suddenly awake*
WIFE: …teach me calculus?
ME: We begin, as we must, with the concept of a derivative
“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer
BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise
[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive