5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
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Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes
Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas
I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.
TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.
Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.
Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely
My son – not this again
Cop –
Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.
Me: Yes, is it still 666?
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
Husband trained 5 well. Every time we have rain, she stands at the window with her hands on her hips and says, “we really needed this.”
[camping]
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.