You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.
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Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*
Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!
What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
Me looking for something to eat….
⠀
Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
⠀
Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
⠀
*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*
ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
[date]
me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?
her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?
me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?
*awkward silence*
me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits
lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.
Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?
Her: I’d love that!
Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]
I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.