i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.
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Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too
absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans
[prison hospital]
PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?
CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of
PRIEST: …
CHARLES MANSON: …
PRIEST: Do you want a hint?
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.
#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?
ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?
Professor: I meant science questions
Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?
We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: “Want.”
DRACULA: Vant.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.
Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study