Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
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I made HUGE surprise plans for my wife’s birthday tonight–dinner, dancing, champagne, the works–but the babysitter just cancelled & now we can’t do anything!
Did that sound believable to you guys? If you were my wife would you suspect, hypothetically, that I didn’t make plans?
“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”
“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.
Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
[cash4gold]
Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] “How much is this worth?”“It’s 25 carats…”
[8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.
[zombie apocalypse]
Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.
Is it because I’m brown??
The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.
I did not eat the cake…
[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?
me: im not sure
therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?
me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?
therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.