God has abandoned us.
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ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
Him: You’re sexy as hell.
Her: I’m an atheist.
Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.
Her: Awwwww, thank you.
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.
It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.
I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.
Me. I hit him.
Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?
Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
uncle dave has been through hell
I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
[at my funeral]
So young, how did he die?
He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.Her: You mean panic attacks?
Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single