Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
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Not to brag, but I finished an entire book in one sitting. I’m going to need some new crayons.
My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.
[Karaoke Bar]
Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶
Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
[police chasing man on foot]
Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!
Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.
Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.
I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house
stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?