Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.
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Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*
9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
him : can you name the shapes?
me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-
him : no I didn’t mea-
me : …Harry the hexagon
him: will you just st-
me : Dave the dodecahedron
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza
Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?
4: I was hungry
Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?
4: because there was pizza
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.
PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
But that’s none of my business
I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows
7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.