When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
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My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
This is no longer winter this is harassment
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*
Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*
Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”
16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.
26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.
36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.
“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”
I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.
[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”
“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.
Meet my wife, the dream killer.
It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.
Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.
Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.