WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5
ME: ok
[later]
ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud
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The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight
[car accident]
Other driver: YOU TURNED INTO ME!
Me: *looking at hands* like Freaky Friday?
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *opens candy wrapper*
Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!
6: you’re going 75
Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit
6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!
Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Is the sacrifice I made for 9 months not enough? Sharing my body and nourishing a child twice didn’t prove my level of unselfishness? Why must I constantly give and give and-
Husband: JUST LEAVE THE LAST TWO WAFFLES FOR THE KIDS YOU’VE ALREADY HAD 8
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN
what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk
HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.
i get hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“what a dumbass”
“he might be dead”ben franklin gets hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“genius”
“let him create our entire political system”
“put him on money”
“sex symbol”
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.
Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard*start a fire*
People: calm down
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.