My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends
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[hosting a party]
Me: *gesturing* Please place your styrofoam dishes here for recycling when you’re finished.
Guest: But that’s the sink. Are you gonna wash them? *laughs*
Me: Do I come to your house and tell you how to recycle, Jan?
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
them: our youngest is 73 months.
me: what’s that in human people years
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.