All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
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YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell
On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.
one last job
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
A man of commitment.
HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both
My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
Roommate gets sinus infection: treats it with chai tea and three different medications.
I get the same thing: GIVE ME ALL THE WASABI. CLEAR OUT MY SINUSES WITH CLEANSING FIRE. MAKE THEM AN INHOSPITABLE DESERT TO MAN, BEAST, AND VIRUS ALIKE.
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*
Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?
People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.
Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?