The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
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Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?
Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.
Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.
Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
Cop: Could I have your name?
Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.
*Send Bail Money*
When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”
BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
She puts the hot in psychotic
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck