5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
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Friend: have you ever been to Norway?
Wife: sadly no.
Friend: why not?
Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.
Me: that’s not what I said.
Wife:
Friend:
Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.
Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:
Pranks: 35%
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%
Ducts: 0%
My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.
Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT
TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS
KANYE: damn ur good
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede
I get into bed.
Husband is already asleep.
I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.
Marriage is fun.
Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.
I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…