“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journeyPunching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King
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tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
[when I watch tv & eat chips]
Facebook Twitter
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*hours pass*
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.
One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.
If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now
step 6: release the wall snake
If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.
No reason
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”
Me if I was on the Titanic.
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*