Coworker: Do you have any kids?
Me: No
Coworker: Aaaw.
Me: But check back next week. Big shipment coming in. NO COPS.
Coworker: …are you okay?
Me: YOU WANT EM OR NOT?
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Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir
me: can i get 7
her: no
me: 8
her: no
me: 9
her: no
me: 10
her: you can’t do this forever
me: are you even familiar with numbers
her: yes?
me: 11
Wife got peanut butter M&M’s and mint M&M’s and mixed them in the same bowl because she’s not interested in making this relationship work.
Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains
friend: how long has it been
me (looking at watch): 4 hours
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.
I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.
Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
This why you should mind your business
[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
me: it is lonely at the top.
therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah
No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”