How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
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Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: can I buy these ladies drinks?
Me: sure *takes ladies drinks and sets them down in front of him* that’ll be $18.50
*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*
CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
ghost: boooooOoo
me: you better stop
ghost: what are you doing
me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother
ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo
son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.
something like this could probably happen to anyone
Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely afCalling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.
I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.
Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.