Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.
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Me: My body is a temple
Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?
Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus
M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search
try to describe the hole in the ozone layer without sounding absolutely insane
its a hole in the sky that changes not air to air because we used too much hairspray back in the 80s and now we get skin cancer
My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.
Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.
Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?
Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.
This squirrel eats better than I do
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.
Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.