“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
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Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
[job interview]
How did you lose your last job?
“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”
Sir, this is McDonald’s.
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.
Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!
Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.
I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣
me: hit that tree with your fist
hitman: that’s not what i do
me: hundred bucks
hitman: no
me: will you punch a house
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.