Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
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me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
*accidentally click on internet explorer*
Internet Explorer: oh what the… HELLO. OMG! WELCOME! HERE, PLEASE USE ME AS YOUR DEFAULT BROWSER. CLICK HERE! NO, DON’T GO! PLEA-
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
HERE’S A KID WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS AND HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD AND YOU’LL DIE SOON TOO, BUY THINGS.
– Super Bowl Commercials in a nut shell
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.
6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.
Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.
Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
3 was dragging her baby round the house yelling “we’re late for pick up!!” and “where are my keys?!” and “I need wine!!” and I don’t have a clue where she got the idea for that game
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
Bringing home a sharpie
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.
Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
[First day as a waiter]
Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?
Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot
[at train station]
Cashier: May I help you?
Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?