Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
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My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense
Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.
Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?
Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really
Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please
King Solomon: *sweating*
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That’s it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.
imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”
Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.
Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can’t find the lowercase numbers!
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
gonna make a bumper sticker for my car that says “MY KID IS SMARTER THAN YOU’RE KID” just to troll the grammar nazis behind me
[seductively takes off mom jeans]
Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—
Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]
Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life
I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.
CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.
i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it
*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.