SON: Dad, were there any doctor shows like Grey’s Anatomy when you were a kid?
ME: Yeah.
SON: What was it called?
ME: Grey’s Anatomy.
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[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
This will teach them to underestimate me
The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eatenWife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying meWife: I Love You
Me: I already ate
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head
30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle
40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib
My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.
Little does she know, her father is the prank master
Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.
Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD
the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts
Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.
The preschoolers got to choose a free book from the book fair, so my kid came home with one we already have because she knows she likes it, and I can’t fault that logic
Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am
Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are
Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson
I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.