The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
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Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs
Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
A charcuterie board is just dry soup
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
If I text you “🤔🥺😏🤦♂️😭😥🤨😔😘😔😏🤦♂️😏🤦♂️😉🤦♂️😘😊🏆🙄🤔🙄😏😔❤️💁🤨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
Aragorn: You have my sword.
Legolas: And you have my bow.
Gimli: And my axe.
Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.
Aragorn: But we’re heading to –
Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.
The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”
Me: “Free.”
Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”
Me: “Thanks!”
*drives away quickly*
Our 5 year old seems to have deemed himself the local virus warden.
Over the fence to our neighbour:
‘JEAN YOU NEED TO GO INSIDE’
‘Okay I will in a minute’
‘YOU’RE OLD AND THERE’S A VIRUS’
‘I’m not that old thank you’
‘HOW OLD ARE YOU JEAN?’
‘I’m 68.’
‘THAT IS NEARLY 70 JEAN.’
YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.
I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
Hot pockets… cook on high for 1 minute, let cool for 27 years!
My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.