BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
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[Headless Horseman birthday party]
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.
starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?
You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
I let my baby girl know she can do anything.
Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.
[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?
Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?
Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.
I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.