A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
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[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.
You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?
Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
Therapist: Talk about your friends.
Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…
T: That’s a Billy Joel song.
Me: You’re no fun.
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.
Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”
[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:
my wife asked me “what sounds good for dinner?” so I said “I dunno, what sounds good to u?” and she responded “I’m up for whatever” and now it’s been a week and we’re slowly dying of hunger
Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]
Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.
Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.
boy: WOLF!
villager: nope, that’s a coyote
boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me
villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you
Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either