DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
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“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer
CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.
TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked
*power walks to the refrigerator*
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
Me- *goes into the office for the first time in 15 months*
5 yo- *becomes a mom* was it good seeing your friends today?
I’m having stuff I ordered delivered to an Amazon hub for pickup, but I didn’t realize you have to give them your Amazon username. So, I’m going to have to walk in and say, “Picking up a package for Lamont Sanford’s Friend Rollo.”
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
There are no sleep rules anymore. If you’re sleepy, you just sleep. It doesn’t matter if it’s an appropriate nap time or not. It doesn’t matter if you sleep 2 or 6 hours. Literally no one is policing this.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece