Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.
If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.
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[at the salad bar]
Me: [gets one piece of lettuce]
[adds cottage cheese]
[adds more cottage cheese]
[adds even more cottage cheese]
[throws a $100 bill at the cashier and leaves with salad on a forklift]
Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner
When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:
1) escape the bathroom
2) open a beer
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.
[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.